Cowboys Running Back, Ezekiel Elliott recently took a genetics test through 23 and me, and the results concluded what we already know. His closest genetic living relative is a scout Ewok named Wuta, who lives on the Forrest moon Endor. The NFL Running Back announced the news of this discovery, earlier this week.
“All my life, I’ve felt different. Now I know why.” Ezekiel Elliott said, looking hairier than ever.
“I first realized I was different, when I was able to grow a full beard on my face and back at the age of 6. Not a lot of kids could do that at my school back then, except Reggie. But he recently found out he was a Wookie, also with a test through 23 and me… So it makes a lot of sense in hindsight. A lot of things make sense now too. My parents never really looked like me when I was younger. I should have realized I was adopted, but thinking back the clues were all there. The fact that they never had baby photos of me. My excessive hairiness. The space pod they showed me in the backyard where they told me I crash landed as a child, and they decided to take me in as their own. Thinking back, the signs were all there. But this test just proves it. ”
The former star Ohio State Running Back, has been seeking ways to leave Earth to find what could be his immediate family ever since he got the results of his test back. But the location of his home moon creates a bit of a logistical issue. The forest moon Endor is tucked away in the outer rim territories, where catching a flight could prove difficult. Luckily, Ezekiel Elliott happens to know a billionaire with a lot of connections.
“Zeke approached me this week and said ‘Jerry, I want to go to the moon’.” Cowboys owner, Jerry Jones said about his talks with Zeke. “He says he wants to go to the moon all the time, so I didn’t think much of it. But when he specified it was actually the forest moon Endor, that orbits the gas giant Tana, and is located in the outer reaches of the habitable zone of the galaxy… I said ‘Ahhhhh, that moon.’. Under normal circumstances…. Say a year ago before I signed Zeke for over $100 million dollars. I would have never entertained such a notion. But after my lawyer looked over his contract, we realized… There’s a clause in there that nullifies his contract if he leaves the solar system. So that’s when I said ‘Sure ya f*ckin weirdo. Let’s get you to the edge of the galaxy to meet your family.”
Jerry Jones immediately contacted his friend Elon Musk, who had already commissioned a craft to go to Kashyyyk to drop off Reggie later next week. He arranged for Zeke to be dropped off afterwards.
“Missing the 2020 season is going to be hard, and I’m sorry to the fans. But this is a journey I must go on, to discover my past. To walk barefoot in the forests of Endor with my brethren. I want to hunt with nothing but a staff and a bow, and finally not be the hairiest guy in the room.” Said Zeke.
At press time, Jerry Jones was asked if his plan was to pay the money he would save with Zeke to Dak. “Are you nuts?” Jerry Jones replied. “I’m sending my star running back to another galaxy to find his family. I didn’t go crazy.”
