Happy birthday to Marcus Rashford, then. Hope it’s a good one, fella. Not that you would anyway, but maybe don’t celebrate by reading the newspaper back pages or listening to talkSPORT.

Rashford, you see, made the unforgivable, irredeemable and frankly disgraceful mistake of being born roughly 26 years to the day before Manchester United lost a big Premier League game. And if the Daily Telegraph are willing to question his social campaigning to feed hungry schoolchildren, they were never going to have qualms trying to create a controversy out of that.

‘Rashford party after derby loss’ is a great start in terms of a headline to James Ducker’s article, the implication being that he partied because of the defeat. Lovely.

That is thankfully debunked in the opening paragraph, which reads:

‘Marcus Rashford partied in a nightclub after Manchester United’s emphatic derby defeat – just hours before he was due to report for training on Monday morning.’

A note-perfect ‘just hours’ there. In the third paragraph it is pointed out that Rashford ‘reported on time for training that morning’, which feels like an important clarification to offer after the event.

There is also no proof that Rashford ‘partied’ or really did much of anything at all, even if that has always just been accepted football speak for ‘went to a nightclub’.

‘His late night celebrations may not go down well with United fans frustrated by the manner of the defeat to Manchester City and the team’s dismal start to the season,’ Ducker writes, cowering behind the vocal minority of supporters who will be riled by such nonsense, as opposed to reflecting the ambivalent views of the majority who know Rashford should be playing better, while also accepting that he might want – and is perfectly entitled – to celebrate his own birthday like a normal human being.

Sorry, but writing that it ‘may not go down well with United fans’ really is not good enough at all from a well-respected journalist. It’s just complete conjecture designed specifically to stoke anger where it does not belong.

‘United are not thought to have been aware Rashford was going out but there is no requirement for players to inform the club of such social engagements.’

Translation: no-one has done anything wrong.

‘Rashford’s friends are believed to have arranged for the intimate get together in a private area at Chinawhite, which is popular with celebrities, and had arranged the celebrations some time in advance of the City game.’

You mean they didn’t book it as soon as Rashford was substituted in the 86th minute at Old Trafford? You mean they didn’t sort it as a direct response to Manchester United being beaten? You mean it was pre-planned and Rashford decided that instead of sitting in a dark, empty room otherwise occupied only by his thoughts and highlights of the match being played on repeat – as every football player should after losing a game – he wanted to go and spend time with his friends and family?

It’s pathetic, quite frankly. And not from Rashford.

MAILBOX: Man Utd will finish bottom half in the Prem, Ten Hag should resign if he has any ‘pride and dignity’…

But where one leads, others must follow. And it came as no surprise to see the MailOnline chiming in; it is more shocking to see Chris Wheeler put his name to it rather than some nameless work-exer.

‘Marcus Rashford risks the wrath of Erik ten Hag as the underperforming Man United winger heads out clubbing straight after humiliating derby defeat at Old Trafford,’ is a typically mammoth headline which cleverly changes the focus to Ten Hag’s reaction. And perhaps this is the sort of thing that will irk a strict disciplinarian manager, but it remains the business of approximately nobody else whatsoever.

He also did not go ‘clubbing straight after’ the match. By the opening paragraph it is ‘just hours after’, which alongside the Telegraph’s effort completes the lesser seen set of ‘just hours before’ and ‘just hours after’.

‘Rashford put in another below-par display as United were easily beaten 3-0 at home by Manchester City on Sunday.’

If he played well in a win it would have been fine, of course.

‘The party is said to have finished at around 3.30am, although it is unclear if Rashford stayed out that long.’

It’s pretty clear that he obviously didn’t, because…

‘He trained with the rest of the squad at Carrington on Monday morning.’

And so again Mediawatch is left asking precisely what the problem is here?

‘Sources close to Rashford described it as an intimate, planned celebration for his birthday in a private area of the club.’

That sure sounds like he went ‘clubbing’ or ‘partying’.

‘It remains to be seen if Ten Hag takes a dimmer view of the situation and considers disciplinary action against the player. Rashford has risked upsetting his manager by celebrating at such a high-profile venue so soon after a painful result. At best, it was a bad look in the circumstances.’

Does it really matter that it was a ‘high-profile venue’ if it was an ‘intimate’ celebration?

At best, a man chose to celebrate his birthday with close friends and family despite having a bad day at work. The fact Manchester United lost and Rashford played poorly if anything makes it more understandable that he wanted to be with his loved ones instead of sitting at home wallowing in his own self-pity.

Those two stories from the Telegraph and MailOnline inevitably spawn churnalism from the Daily Star website and Daily Mirror website who both laughably discuss Rashford’s ‘late-night antics’, while BBC Sport runs with the nonsensical headline of ‘Transfer news: Rashford upsets Ten Hag’.

Then there is GB News, who report that ‘Man Utd fans attack Marcus Rashford and slam forward for going clubbing after Man City defeat’. And if ever there was a barometer for whether you are on the wrong side of an argument, there it is.

There are some perfectly legitimate criticisms to make of Rashford so far this season, but celebrating his own birthday is patently not among them. It’s weird to have to point that out.

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