I got big balls Big ol’ balls Big as grapefruits Big as pumpkins Yes sir, yes sir And on my really good days They swell to the size of small dogs My balls are as big as small dogs Well, it ain’t braggin’ if it’s true Yes sir, yes sir It ain’t braggin’ if it’s true Muhammed Ali said that Back when he was a young man Back when he was Cassius Clay Before he fought too many fights And left his brain inside the ring And sometimes I wish I was Tiger Woods, Tiger Woods, Tiger Woods Sometimes I wish I was Tiger Woods, Tiger Woods, Tiger Woods

I got a friend whose goal in life Was to one day go down on Madonna That’s all he wanted, that was all To one day go down on Madonna And when my friend was 34 He got his wish in Rome one night He got to go down on Madonna In Rome one night, in some hotel And ever since, he’s been depressed ‘Cause life is shit from here on in And all our friends just shake their heads And say, too soon, too soon, too soon, He went down on Madonna too soon Too young, too young, too soon, too soon And it ain’t braggin’ if it’s true Yes sir, yes sir It ain’t braggin’ if it’s true Muhammed Ali said that Back when he was a young man Back when he was Cassius Clay Before he fought too many fights And left his brain inside the ring And sometimes I wish I was Tiger Woods, Tiger Woods, Tiger Woods Sometimes I wish I was Tiger Woods, Tiger Woods, Tiger Woods

If certain girls don’t look at you It means that they like you a lot If other girls don’t look at you It just means they’re ignoring you How can you know, how can you know Which is which, who’s doing what I guess that you can ask ’em Which one are you, baby Do you like me or are you ignorin me Do you like me or are you ignorin me And all you need to do that Is one good pair of big balls Balls as big as grapefruits Balls as big as pumpkins Balls as big as mine But even though my balls are big Sometimes I wish they were bigger Even bigger Big as the wheels on tractors Big as the golden arches Big as the golden gate bridge Bit as the state of Kansas Big as Mars and Jupiter Big as the swing of Tiger Woods Tiger Woods, Tiger Woods Tiger Woods, Tiger Woods

(lyrics: Dan Bern)