Eli Manning’s long awaited autobiography is finally here, and he’s taking a different approach to telling his life story. Rather than bore readers with details of his life and career, he instead bought a coloring book of horses, and colored nearly every page in it with crayon. Even the hard ones Peyton said dad would have to help with. He colored those one’s too.

“I did it. My horse drawings are complete now, so I think I’ll go rest a while. Maybe have a snack. But I’m done coloring horses… For now.” Said a weary Eli Manning, who reportedly has been putting in nearly 7 hours a week of coloring horses that he feels tell his life story since retiring in January 2020.

“When Eli retired I said to him. People want to hear your story, Eli. I think you should consider writing a book about your life.” Said Eli Manning’s agent, Tom Condon. “I challenged him to write me 5 pages about his experiences at Ole Miss, so I could get a feel for his writing talents, and see if we might need to bring in some outside help. Eli’s a creative guy, like most visionaries he’s not accustomed to doing things in a cookie cutter way. Instead of writing me 5 pages like I requested, he brought me a half built Millennium Falcon Lego set, an empty packet of Carpi Sun, and 3 really solid drawings of horses that we immediately hung on our fridge. After getting him a new Capri sun and helping him with the adult parts of his Millennium Falcon assembly, I tousled his hair and said. Let’s stick to horses, OK sport? And that’s exactly what he did.”

“These are the horses of my life, I think they’re really good.” Said Eli Manning, about his life’s work. “The brown horses with spots are my favorite, but as you’ll see towards the end, I also include purple horses. I want to make it clear that I know there are not purple horses, but I made them purple in my mind. I wish there were purple horses, but dad says there’s not. I hope that part isn’t too confusing for everyone.” Eli elaborated about the section of his horse drawings that we think are meant to represent his improbable Super Bowl wins. “This horse here isn’t even a horse. It’s actually a cow, which I think look like bigger softer horses. So I included them in my horses, but if you look at the bottom I put ‘Not Horse’ to provide some clarity. I did not draw these horses, not yet, I just colored. The horses I draw end up looking like dogs, but I’m working on that. Next time I’ll draw the horses probably, but for now I colored already drawn horses. Let me know if you have any questions.”

Eli’s autobiography, entitled “My Life, but Mostly Just Horses” was received positively by critics who believe it is a refreshing change to the old autobiography formula.

“I liked it a lot. Eli was a hell of a player, and he sure does draw the shit out of those horses.” Said former teammate and friend, Michael Strahan. “Like most people I was worried when I heard ol Eli was going to be writing a book, but I was much less worried when I heard it was a coloring book of horses. Hours before my super bowl win with the Giants, he became really quiet and withdrawn from the rest of the team. I approached him to see what was going on, and that’s when he handed me a crumpled paper of dogs he drew, that kind of looked like snakes a little bit. What he said next to me, was so inspiring. I think about those words every day. He said ‘Michael, these aren’t snake dogs, they’re horses. I can’t draw the horses, I’m a QB. I’m not good enough yet. But if you print me out some horses from the internet, I’ll get to work on putting colors on them.’ It was just so real, you know? He was telling me if we wanted to beat the Patriots, we needed to work as a team. So that’s what we did.”

“Losing to Eli was tough, but the crayon horse he handed me after the game was so good, I couldn’t even stay mad at him.” Said Eli Manning’s two time Super Bowl opponent, Tom Brady. “He said to me ‘Tom, thanks for playing the game with me, I’m sorry I won, but here’s a horse. I have lots more of these back at home I want to show you some time, but you can keep this. I made it for you.’ I didn’t really think much of it at the time. I mean… It was a solid horse coloring, I was just so bitter about the loss I didn’t want to look at it too much. 2 hours after the game he called me up and said ‘Tom, I need my horse drawing back. I changed my mind about giving you my horse drawing.’ I laughed and laughed, Eli’s got a unique sense of humor. A few years later we played in another Super Bowl together, and sure enough he beat me again. After the game he shook my hand really firmly with an angry look in his eyes and joked by saying ‘That’s for not giving me my horsey back. Next time give it back, Tom.’ He’s quite the jokester, man.”